1980/12/21/Jenny

Note #16 : 12/21 (part 1/2) .. 12/30 (part 2/2)

Dec. 21, 1980

Dear M.P.W.W.S.T.B.P.O.P.A.P.T.I.P.L.,

I have just been thinking. Amazing, no? What about? Death. I can hardly think that character in that book dead. I knew him too well before he died. Whereas people like John Lennon, or that diplomat who was shot by a Turk on a motorbike. I don't have a hard time thinking them dead because I never thought (past tense) them alive. Odd. No, not really.

And then thinking about that -- My statement of "I don't believe in death." well I just showed the kink in that. Once you have known someone, even after they are gone they continue to exist for you. I can go back and read about that person in the book. I can't go back and relive seeing Uncle Al. (It is almost a relief when old people die. They are so close to death that you feel they will slip over at any moment. It almost makes you fidgety.)

Oh well. Read Slaughter House Five. In a book you can see all times existing at once. It's spread out before you. As we live life we can't see it spread out before us. All moments happening at once. Like Kurt Vonnegut's creatures.

Thinking about that – Cindy arguing my disbelief in the discontinuation of a mind. No, I can't argue my point perfectly. It's not something you can argue logically – it's a feeling — like believing in God or not.

Thinking about that – do you realize the influence you have over me? If you say something I believe it. Or at least I think about it. I am not used to defending myself against you. You express your ideas so strongly. Never has someone so convinced that they were right forced their beliefs on me like you have In the past people have been gentler.

In a world full of sorrow and woe.... Wall, should I arm myself and barricade. Every new idea that comes my way I delight in.

Ach! It's 11