Hurt and Offended

Originally posted here, on 2008-07-17, inspired by the 2008 sacred wafer scandal:

Samples from tomorrow’s headlines:

Catholic Leaders “Deeply Hurt and Offended” by Other People Claiming to Have Feelings

“Our savior the Lord Jesus Christ died, in great pain and anguish, for your sins,” said a spokesman for the Catholic Crusade for Crisis Creation, a nonprofit group dedicated to convincing Catholics that they are an oppressed minority and thereby collecting donations from them. “These arrogant claims that other people have negative feelings of the same sort indisputably possessed by our Lord, much less pain and anguish in particular, desecrate our faith and steal from us the true depth of our belief”, he added. “It is simply outrageous. I am deeply offended, and hurt, by what is clearly a diabolical hate campaign against the faithful of the Catholic Church.”

Ritz, Captain’s, Other Wafers Deemed “Heretical”

Catholics Saving Faith, a Catholic advocacy organization, today issued a statement decrying the practice of manufacturing edible wafers for any purpose other than transubstantiation. “These companies have been mocking the very Body of Christ itself for far too long,” said a spokespriest for the organization, which is not affiliated with the Catholic Church. “It is a deliberate insult and provocation,” he continued, “and we do not intend to take this lying down.”

“Oh, and I’m deeply hurt and offended.” he added.

Reality Offensive to Catholics, Other Believers

“The continued insistence by the atheist-run media that there is some sort of so-called ‘objective reality’ which is not only directly available to our senses without years of religious indoctrination but actually directly contradicts The Bible, the Holy Word of God, in many respects, is simply heinous. We absolutely will not tolerate this suggestion — coming as it does from scientists, atheists, and other individuals who are far too comfortable with “reality” and therefore out of touch with morality” said a spokesman for the Holy Catholic Flox Newspeak Corporation, a non-profit company recently organized under the new religious monetary-arithmetical exemption laws. “These horrific ideas make baby Jesus cry — a lot,” said the spokesman, citing recent data from the Vatican’s Jesus Hydrometric Survey instrumentation and adding that he was “deeply hurt and offended” by atheists, scientists, and reality in general.