Jokes

Page for collecting jokes. Come back in a few years.

Business

• The Plan

Physics

A higgs-boson particle walks up to a Catholic church.The priest stops him at the door and says "I'm sorry, you can't participate in our service today." The higgs-boson particle says "What?! You can't have mass without me!"

Conversations

• "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."
• Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
• A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
• A Buddhist pulls out a gun. "Whoa", the vendor exclaims, "I thought you guys were about inner peace!" The Buddhist replies: "This is my inner piece."

Q&A

• Have you heard the rumor going around about butter? Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.
• How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
• How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
• Two drums and a cymbal fall out of a tree. [ba-dum tsss]
• What did the Buddhist say to the hot-dog vendor? "Make me one with everything."
• What did the pirate say when he turned 80? "Aye matey... and it sucks."
• What did they give to the person who invented the doorknocker? A no-bell prize.
• What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
• What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
• What does an agnostic dyslexic insomniac do? Lie awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
• What happened when the ship carrying blue paint and the ship carrying red paint both crashed into an island? The sailors were marooned.
• What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.
• Why didn't I hear the pterodactyl in the toilet stall next to mine? Because the pee is silent. [1]
• Why do you never see elephants hiding up in trees? Because they're really good at it.
• Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares the hell out of their dogs.
• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations..

Then It

• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Used To

• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Walks Into a Bar

A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender points at the "NO STRING SERVED" sign and says "We don't cater to your kind here." The string leaves, feeling a little wound up... but then he gets an idea. He finds a telephone pole, and starts rubbing himself up and down and sideways until he's all knotted and worn down. Then he goes back into the bar; the bartender says "Hey, aren't you that piece of string I sent packing?" The string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

A blind man walks into a bar... and a table... and a chair...

A termite walks into a bar and asks "is the bar tender here?"

to add

• the tale of the armless bell-ringers
• nate the snake

short form

• A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.
• A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
• An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
• And God said to John, 'Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life!' -- but John came fifth and won a toaster.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
• Deja Moo: the feeling that you've heard this bull before.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• First thing they do at wrestling school is show you the ropes. [2]
• Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
• I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's also terrible.
• I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• I have a fear of intricately built skyscrapers. My therapist said I have a complex complex complex.
• I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto Zoo.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
• I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
• I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
• I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel
• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• To kill a French vampire, you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy, but the process is painstaking.
• Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
• Two lepers were playing poker. One threw in his hand; the other laughed his head off.
• Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
• Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
• Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
• Velcro: what a rip off!
• Venison for dinner? Oh, deer!
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Footnotes

Other sources

• Another G+ source-post now gone; poster was apparently Ellie Weems.
• kinsmangarden.ru