Jokes

Page for collecting jokes. Come back in a few years.

Business

• The Plan

Physics

• A higgs-boson particle walks up to a Catholic church.The priest stops him at the door and says "I'm sorry, you can't participate in our service today." The higgs-boson particle says "What?! You can't have mass without me!"
• "I think I lost an electron." "Are you sure?" "I'm positive!" [2]

Conversations

• "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."
• Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true", exclaims Daisy *ndash; "no bull!"
• A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Longer

• /1400s Alpine mead monastery
• Q: how many autistic people does it take to change a lightbulb?

Team Schrödinger-Pavlov

found by Katherine of StringThing

I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrödinger's cat and Pavlov's dog team up for a cross-country adventure...

...so I headed down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10yo daughter.

The librarian said that my description rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

Questions

• Did you hear about the airline pilot who sidelined as a boxer? He was always in fight-or-flight mode. [original]
• Did you hear about the band named 1023 MB? They haven't got a gig yet.^source
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.[3]
• Did you hear about the statistician who was nice for awhile but went back to being a huge jerk? He did a regression to the mean. [4]
• Have you heard the rumor going around about butter? Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.
• If a vampire didn't believe the earth was round, would you call him a Vlad Earther, or No-sphere-ratu?
• Q: How do they get virgin olive oil? A: They don't pollinate the trees. [5]
• Q: How do you make holy water? A: Boil the hell out of it!
• Q: How does a mathematician deal with constipation? A: Works it out with a slide rule.
• Q: How does Moses make his tea? A: Hebrews it.
• Q: My son has been eating electrical cords. What do I do? A: Ground him until he conducts himself properly.
  

  found on Discord
• Q: What did the Buddhist say to the hot-dog vendor? A: "Make me one with everything."
  • The Buddhist pays the hot dog vendor with a $20 bill. The vendor takes the money and hands over the hot dog. The Buddhist asks "what about the rest of the $20?", to which the vendor replies: "Change must come from within."
• Q: What did the octogenarian pirate say? A: "Aye matey... and it sucks."
• Q: What did they give to the person who invented the doorknocker? A: A no-bell prize.
• Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes? A: A fsh.
• Q: What does a clock do when it's hungry? A: It goes back four seconds.
• Q: What does an agnostic dyslexic insomniac do? A: Lie awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
• Q: What happened when the ship carrying blue paint and the ship carrying red paint both crashed into an island? A: The sailors were marooned.
• Q: What's a foot long and slippery? A: A slipper.
• Q: Why are lifeboats always stocked with soap? A: So that they can wash ashore. [6]
• Q: Why didn't I hear the pterodactyl in the toilet stall next to mine? A: Because the pee is silent. [7]
• Q: Why do you never see elephants hiding up in trees? A: Because they're really good at it.
• Q: Why does the Norwegian military put scan codes on the sides of their ships? A: So when they get back to port, they can scandanavian.
• Q: Why don't we see Santa going down chimneys as much anymore? A: He's gotten Claustrophobic.
• Q: Why don't sharks eat clones? A: They all taste the same. [8]
• Q: Why don't sharks eat clowns? A: They taste funny. [9]

Then It

• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Walks Into a Bar

• A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
• A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The bartender pours it one, but before handing it over, says, "Hey, you're in here a lot. Like...a LOT. Every day you get smashed. You think you might be an alcoholic?"

  The horse says, "I don't think I am..." And disappears in a poof.

  ...see, because, "I think therefore I am", and he didn't think he was and... y'know.

  Maybe I should've explained that first, but I didn't want to put Descartes before the horse.

• A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
• A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
• A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
• A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender points at the "NO STRING SERVED" sign and says "We don't cater to your kind here." The string leaves, feeling a little wound up... but then he gets an idea. He finds a telephone pole, and starts rubbing himself up and down and sideways until he's all knotted and worn down. Then he goes back into the bar; the bartender says "Hey, aren't you that piece of string I sent packing?" The string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot."
• A termite walks into a bar and asks "is the bar tender here?"
• Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

Jobs

• My job of massaging the bellies of ducks is making me depressed. I'm feeling down.
• I quit my duck-massaging job and took my skills to a German sausage factory in hope it would improve my mood... but that was when I felt the wurst.
• Can't imagine a way things can get worse since I've started working with a sculptor, pummeling posteriors. I've hit rock bottom.
• (reply) That reminds me of my saddest job: crushing cans at the pop factory. It was soda pressing.

to add

• the tale of the armless bell-ringers
• nate the snake

short form

found on Discord, 2021-06-13

found on Discord, 2021-06-21

• A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.
• A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
• An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
• And God said to John, 'Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life!' -- but John came fifth and won a toaster.
• Back at the Academy, there was this guy who liked to use pages from my daily agenda notebook to roll up a joint. He was always high on my list of priorities.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
• Constipation isn't my favorite humor topic, but it is a solid number two.
• Deja Moo: the feeling that you've heard this bull before.
• Did you hear the one about Lot's wife? It's very salty.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• First thing they do at wrestling school is show you the ropes. [10]
• Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
• I bought a sweater which kept picking up static electricity. I went back to the store and demanded a replacement free of charge.
• I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's also terrible.
• I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• I have a fear of intricately built skyscrapers. My therapist said I have a complex complex complex.
• I have a joke about trickle-down economics... but 99% of you will never get it. [11]
  • ...and it doesn't really work anyway. [12]
• I heard this joke about the birth of Athena, and now I can't get it out of my head.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
• I know a lot of jokes in sign-language, but nobody has ever heard them. from
• I spent twenty minutes trying to remember what the opposite of "night" is. In the end, I had to call it a day. from
• I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop singing "I'm a Believer"... then I saw her face.
• I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
• I tried to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but had to give up. Good players are too hard to find.
• I tried to remember the other monotreme besides platypuses, but echidna think of it.
• I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
• I told my girlfriend that if she helped me take over the world, she could have any territory of Canada created before 1999... but she wanted Nunavut. [13]
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• I used to tell a joke about Ariadne but people said it was just a long yarn with a load of bull at the end.
• I used to tell a joke about Methuselah, but then I found out it was the oldest in the book.
• I used to tell a joke about Orpheus and Eurydice, but looking back, it was not a great idea.
• I used to tell a joke about Polyphemus’s eye, but Nobody got it.
• I used to tell a joke about Sisyphus, but looking back, it went downhill. [14]
  • More Sisyphus
• I used to tell a lot of Cassandra jokes, but nobody ever listened.
• I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
• I was working on a routine that began with a joke about Pandora, but it wasn’t a great opener.
• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't see any.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
• I've read at least twelve Hercules jokes today, and god they're laboured. [15]
• I've written a new book called "How to Survive Falling Down a Staircase". It's a step-by-step guide.
• If you love tomato and vodka juice so much, why don't you Bloody Mary it?
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• My friend said he didn't understand cloning. I said "That makes two of us."
• My grandma used to insist on leaving the eggs out on the counter, so they could "breathe". It was really just eggs aspirating. (original)
• Never rank armageddons; it'll all end in tiers.
• There's this joke about Aphrodite... it's a real beaut; you have to love it.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there. [16]
• To kill a French vampire, you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy, but the process is painstaking.
• Two drums and a cymbal fall out of a tree. [ba-dum tsss]
• Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
• Two lepers were playing poker. One threw in his hand; the other laughed his head off.
• Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
• Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
• Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
• Velcro: what a rip off!
• Venison for dinner? Oh, deer!
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Footnotes

Other sources

• Another G+ source-post now gone; poster was apparently Ellie Weems.
• kinsmangarden.ru

Related

• 2021-09-07 My Two Favorite Jokes (video, John Green)

Also

• /less-funny