Woozle/Jenny/note/006

Transcript

Nov 6, 1980

Ah, how the written word so cleverly hides the ugly, the coarse, the awkward.

We read the words and think them independent of anything. We don't think of the hand that wrote them. Only the perfect thoughts we see, the delicate crystals suspended between body and mind.

But when faced with reality we back away, hiding inward. We then wish the thoughts on the page, and the thinker elsewhere.

A crude thing to say, true. But is not most truth painful? Awkward, like the seeing, the hiding, and the wish that we are not hiding. The thing we are hiding from.

Slow down, we move too fast. On the wheels of time we spin.

"Two further Kaspars come toward each other across the stage from different directions. They want to get past each other. Both step aside in the same direction, and bump into each other. They step aside in the other direction and bump into each other again."

—Kaspar

The spinning wheels of time... Bobbing past, slowing down, waiting for to catch up, bobbing ahead.

We must communicate on such matters. Not letting them lie flat, while the opaque mists of time pound them into the asphalt.

M.O.T.C.P.S.A.O.I.G.O.W.T.T.W.

I continue to hide my

identity behind a mask

of lies

Comments

The feelings expressed here become a recurring theme later on, though camouflaged by a great deal of positive interaction in the interim. I have to quote something she said in her very last note (not counting the poem or the birthday card), #114 dated February 1 1982, the only plain-prose note she gave me after The Unfriending of Xmas 1981:

"The thoughts on the page and the thinker elsewhere" That so well describes my feelings to[ward] you since, well, the beginning. I just have difficulty dealing with you.

I don't want to get ahead of myself, but reading this note inescapably brings me to that one and the terrible feelings it evokes.

At the time, I did catch that she was having a hard time dealing with my physical presence, but reassured myself that everything was okay because she ended it with a statement that we should talk more about it. I always liked talking with her. As long as we were talking, everything could be okay.

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