Store Trek/ideas

Races

ADDleks

• "WE ARE THE ADDLEKS! WE ARE THE SUPERIOR... OH HEY LOOK AT THAT BUTTERFLY!"
• "DISTRACTIVATE! DISTRACTIVATE!"

Blingons

I don't know if this stuff will all work out, but some should be usable.

A race of self-identified social warriors, they are often easily confused about who they are supposed to be helping and frequently end up helping themselves instead of others. "Today is a good day to buy!"

The Blingon homeworld is ruled by semi-feudal Houses:

• House of Kokh
• House of Mur'Dokh
• House of Klin'tonn
• House of B'hush

The House of Mur'Dokh runs the very powerful and ruthless Faukhs School of Informational Training (Motto: "Fairness, Balance, and a Solid Boot to the Head"), in a close alliance with patrons House of Kokh.

the Corp

You too will be acquired.

So, uh, yeah, if you could just, uh, go ahead and put this laser-beam headpiece on and plug yourself into the nearest network interface, that'd be grrreeaat.

(Ship looks like office cubicles.)

Cybertarians

A quasi-robotic race that is known for its incessant extolling of the virtues of individuality and personal freedom and the evils of oppression whilst consistently destroying any attempts to unite against its domination.

"Do you not enjoy liberty and personal freedom? We of the Cybertarians have unlimited liberty and personal freedom. None may oppose the might of our individuality. You must join us. You too will be differentiated."

Dollarleks

SPEND! SPEND! YOU ARE INADEQUATE! YOU MUST PURCHASE THINGS! OUR PRODUCTS ARE SUPERIOR!

Hulkans

A species that likes to go around beating people up. Talks like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and/or parodies of same (Hans und Franz).

• a Hulkan: "You humans are most unphysiological."
• J. Clerk: "K'Pau... all of Hulkan in one person."

the LGBTQ Continuum

A shadowy race of omniscient beings who control all time and space and will turn your kids gay or trans on a whim. They determine the official gay and trans agendas.

Organicans

A mysterious race that maintains an appearance of being extremely low-tech while in fact possessing advanced agricultural technology. One day, the Corporation will evolve to the mental level of the Organicans, and become sustainable. Until then, the Organicans occasionally intervene in ecological crises.

Regulons

Always trying to impose "big government" on the Corporation.

Repubulans

• The Repubulan Fair-and-Balanced Zone
  • Clerk: One thing I don't understand... I thought this zone was supposed to be a buffer between the Repubulan Empire and the United Corporation of Profits -- so why are we supposed to stay on our side, but you're allowed to cross it?
  • Repubulon: Captain Clerk, we will no longer tolerate your attempts to divert attention away from the crisis on Beta Benghazi Five!
• The Repubulan Truth-Cloaking Device
  • Stock: If my calculations are correct, the Repubulans will lower their truth-cloaking in approximately zero point five three two seconds...
  • Mulu: Truth cloaking down, Captain -- the Republulans are revealing their true intentions!
  • Clerk: Quick, Mr. Mulu -- we'll only have one shot to get in a rational argument!
  • Mulu: They're firing a propaganda blast at us! ...and cloaked again, sir.
  • Clerk: Mr. Mulu -- evasive maneuvers, spin factor seven!

Trollians

Always starting arguments for the fun of it, advocating positions they don't really believe, etc.

• The Trollian Neutral Zone
• The Trollian Web

Ships

• USS Overdrawn, NSF 401k
• USS Competition - very small - always being blown up by other Corporation ships
• USS Economy, NSF 404
• USS Hypertext, CSS 1996
• USS FlightRising, NSS 503
• USS Yahoo - always offering to install advanced navigational aids on other ships
• USS Nonprofit - NSS 501C3
• USS Ralph - NSS 124C41

Characters

• Crew:
  • Captain Clerk
  • Mr. Stock, first officer - a Hulkan
  • Lt. Obama, communications officer
  • Lt. Mulu, financial navigation and wealth management officer; CEO of Helm Trust
  • Dr. DeCoy -- temporary medical hologram
    • "Dammit, Jim, I'm a hologram, not a doctor! / I'm not a doctor, but I play one in 3d."
    • Can only offer brand-driven medical advice, not actual treatment.
  • Mr. Welf, ship's political correctness officer, is a social justice warrior of the Blingon race; there will be an episode in which he is discommended from the House of Kokh for actually doing his job
    • (Most of what he says is actually very sensible, but everyone else usually ignores him or makes fun of him.)

Misc.

• Storefleet Command actually considers the mission of the Private Enterprise to be irrelevant, but pretends otherwise
  • Frequently cutting crew benefits (e.g. replacing actual doctor with Dr. DeCoy)
• "Shields losing integrity -- going hypocritical, Captain!"
• inorite -- valuable mineral needed for spin drives
• irony sensors
• alternate universe:
  • The USS Aren't-erprise
  • The People's Republic of Planets
• crossover - Store Wars
  • May the sales force be with you.
  • Darth Mall

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Humanity, 2024 ed.?

Other animals specialize in fighty, flighty, and bitey stuff. Humans, being primarily a social animal, specialize in empathic communication.

Sadly, some humans are less good at this, and secretly wish it would go away.

[1]

Monologue

Profit - the finance frontier. These are the ventures of the storeship Private Enterprise. Its five-year tax write-off: to seek out new wealth, and new monetization... to boldly sell what no-one has wanted before!

Episodes

• The Doomsday Equation: While studying strange stock fluctuations in the Black-Scholes Nebula, the Private Enterprise comes across the shelled-out hulk of the USS Economy (NSF 404), with one survivor aboard -- its commander, Commodore Madoff. He is in anguish over the fate of his staff, all of whom have been financially ruined, on his advice. Determined to redeem himself, he takes command of the Private Enterprise while Captain Clerk is assisting with repairs to the Economy and attempts to use the same tactics that destroyed his own ship and crew.
• What No-one Has Sold Before: While mapping a previously unknown area of the economy, the Private Enterprise is caught in a microtrading storm and two crewmen receive anonymous insider tips which give them strange powers, threatening the safety of 3Q earnings. Among these powers is a mysterious ability to repackage worthless mortgages as valuable "structured investment vehicles".
• Capital on the Edge of Forever: Exploring the uncharted fiscal cliffs at the edges of known finance, the ship is rocked by distortions in the market which appear to be artificial in origin. The distortions prevent the ship's spin drive from operating, and the crew is forced to investigate the source of the disturbance. Upon beaming into the apparent source of the disturbance, they discover a strange artifact -- called a "library" -- which records all of known history, and will allow anyone to access those records... for free. [crew is shocked; cut to commercial] The artifact, when asked, reveals that the "fiscal cliffs" are actually a psychic projection intended to keep humanity from doing anything really stupid just to make a political point. Mr. Stock uses the Velveeta Mind Melt to enable the bridge crew to navigate through the illusion, whereupon they discover an old man named Obi-Wan Bernanke who convinces them that the illusion must be maintained for the greater good of the economy. The crew return and fire fundon torpedoes at the artifact until its budget is slashed and it is forced to close. Clerk concludes that there are some things the market was not meant to know, and that capital is meant to be invested in ventures with a profitable return rather than being left to sit for all eternity providing free services to moochers.
  • If at all possible, there should be some kind of mashup involving Deep Thought
• Is There in Truth No Profit?: A disaster has befallen the Alpha Solyndra colony; the Private Enterprise is deployed to use its mighty spin drive to accelerate public misunderstanding of the government-funded colonization process, which risks the formation of uncontrolled consumer vortices. Storefleet considers it vital to maximize distrust of "big government" initiatives in order to further support for perks to private business and maintain control over all consumer spending. Upon further investigation, it is found the the colony's failure was not due to mismanagement, but rather because of an unexpected surge in localized marketron radiation which prevented the colony from exporting goods. Upon reporting to Storefleet Command, Clerk is told to "nuke them from high orbit" in order to set an example. Mr. Stock suggests instead using the distractor beams to reframe the system's stellar narrative. From a distance, the colony will be invisible, allowing Clerk to tell Storefleet that the danger has been removed, while the colony itself will continue its research efforts to find more viable exports.
• The Petrolian Web
• The Liquidity Trap
• /Court Partial: In an unexpected change of policy, the Corporation Supreme Board determines that phasers are a form of protected speech. Storefleet Command therefore orders the Private Enterprise to cease raising its shields when fired upon. Mr. Stock violates this order, is tried for treason against the Profit, and (as part of his defense) forces the court and ship's command crew to watch old sci-fi B-movies for 2 hours.
  • Unable to withstand this ordeal, the ship's Legal Engineering Department works out a solution: by reversing the polarity of the campaign contribution flux, all enemy ships are forced to lower their shields as well. Negotiations ensue, and the Private Enterprise is allowed to resume defending itself -- just in time to save Storebase 37 from a sneak-attack by the Regulons. Mr. Stock, for his role in saving countless millions of dollars, is issued a combined pardon and gag order.
• /Amok Crime
• /Mysterious New Worlds