Woozle/Jenny/The Hug

The Setup

I'm told that when I was a baby, I just wanted to be held. That was the only thing that would calm me down when I was upset, and it would always calm me down.

Growing up, though, physical contact (kissing grandma, hugging relatives) was neither consensual nor an expression of genuine caring. My family, though excellent in terms of providing support for the physical needs of their children, were (at best) at something of a loss for dealing with our emotional needs – especially me, with my undiagnosed gender dysphoria, undiagnosed ADHD-PI, documented but ignored memory issues, obvious separation anxiety, and social problems at school (probably due to the dysphoria plus undiagnosed autism).

On top of that, I was fed a steady diet of belief that one's career and professional achievements were the entirety of one's worth – and while I was hardly a failure in grade school, I was not excelling; I was repeatedly admonished for not "living up to your potential", with all the implications that had for my worth as a human being and (therefore) my sense of self-worth.

So, the one thing that made me feel content and at peace (when offered genuinely and consensually) became something that I avoided and didn't even realize I desperately needed – while I was also getting lots of messages that I was basically inadequate (from parents) or even repugnant (from classmates). I was left with a sense of emotional emptiness and a feeling of worthlessness surrounding my lack of ability to do what I was "supposed" to be doing, and I couldn't feel physical comfort from anyone even if there had been anyone to sincerely offer it because it was so strongly associated with being urged to try harder at school (and disassociated from anything of meaning to me).

I had no community, no friends I could count on, no emotional support. Just people who sometimes would play with me and people who were related to me...

...and I thought this was normal, what everyone has to deal with, and what's wrong with me that I feel so unmotivated? Obviously I just need to try harder.

And then Jenny changed all that, more or less by accident.

The Hug

Jenny says it was room 2; I remember it as the room labeled 3 on this map, but maybe I have the numbers reversed or (less likely) maybe I'm remembering the physical location wrong.

In any case... C was performing in a school production of "The Music Man", and J had invited me (I think) to ride to the performance with her (probably her mom was driving). I was "apprehensive" (as J put it) for a number of reasons including shyness about handling the unusual social situation of me going over to her house (for the first time, I think?), feeling very odd about watching any of them performing a role, and also disliking some of the gender-performance and heteronormativity in the story and lyrics. (I remember being especially bothered by the Shipoopi song, for what I hope are obvious reasons.)

So... I had apparently expressed my apprehension, and J was gently teasing me about it, and gave me a pretend-parental-consoling hug – that is, she was performing parental condescension, something we all often did as a mutually-understood in-joke. I knew it was basically a joke as it was happening... but at the same time, my feeling of unease was genuine... and by this time I felt I trusted her not to be really teasing me...

That is...

under the hug
was a joke
(referencing parental shallowness and insincerity
and teasing me for my insecurity)
but underneath the tease
was genuine concern

...and something in me melted, and I just kind of clung to her, very briefly.

And the whole world changed, for both of us. If I hadn't already been irrevocably bonded to her, imprinted upon her, it happened in that moment.

The Aftermath

I think J's reaction had maybe a little more of a sexual element than mine, but she describes the intensity I felt pretty well (#26 p5):

...I can't ignore how good that felt. My body aches for more. I'm afraid to hug you again for fear of not wanting to let go. My God – I don't want to fall in love with you. But-I-need-something...

Did you feel the same thing? Are you as sex-starved as I?

It's difficult to disentwine the threads of my then-reaction from this distance. I think, though, that I'd already been experiencing sexual feelings towards them – that is, what passes (or, really, passed) for "sexual" in me, which had more to do with wanting to touch certain body parts, which in turn was really more of a dysphoria-palliative than actually sexual. In any case, any "sexual"-ish feelings I might have felt in that embrace were not what was new about it.

What was new was the feeling of being so completely accepted by someone, the feeling that I could trust her no matter what, that she would never turn against me or deliberately hurt me.

Just thinking about it now starts me breathing heavily like I'm about to cry. I miss that feeling so much.

While I didn't knowingly choose the actions that took it away forever, I surely am the only one responsible for them, and they're why she had to unfriend me. I can't blame it all on things outside my control, because I'm the one who chose how to respond to those things.

This one event represents, for me, both salvation and eternal damnation. A few moments in paradise, followed by a lifetime of trying to find my way back... to a place that's been utterly eradicated by an atomic blast, the giant crater I now live with.