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< Woozle‎ | Jenny‎ | note
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1981-11-22 jrh-1.adj.jpg 1981-11-22 jrh-2.adj.jpg

This is still basically the problem, I think. I don't know how to live just for myself. How does that work? It's like I'm missing a component or something.

I remember feeling absolutely terrible the first time I read that note, because the message I got from it was that I was somehow making this bad choice, that I needed to decide to live for myself.

I'm pretty sure it's not something one can just choose to do.

It may be that all those years of being excluded socially are to blame, or maybe it's something to do with my weird brain-wiring. I don't know if it's reversible, and I certainly don't know how to reverse it.

It does feel like I'm always going to need more intensive emo support than most people do, in order not to feel suicidally miserable most of the time.

Maybe this is analogous to the thing where I'm experiencing all this unprocessed grief now because I couldn't process it before: I'm also now trying to fill the socialization debt left by all those years of being excluded.

So it might fill up at some point – but I need to not have a deficit so it can even start. :-|


Originally posted on Mastodon on 2017-10-20 at 07:10, 07:14, and 07:22