Woozle/Jenny/Dear Ghost-Jenny/2018/05/24
Dear Ghost-Jenny,
Why is it that I can love you so intensely and yet I still can't love myself? What is it that I imagine I'd get from you, if you were still here, that I don't have? What do I want??
Today on the walk, I pretended you were there and we were holding hands. It only made me sadder because you weren't actually there (though if I hadn't given myself the consolation of pretending that, I'm not at all convinced that I would have felt any better). You were hugging me and being gently affectionate and when the walk paused, we looked at each other. Then later on I imagined you'd decided you had to go and I said goodbye and I just felt so utterly abandoned and desolate (even your ghost needs alone-time?) and I don't know why I did that.
I'm hoping this is still just long-delay processing of the trauma of what happened.
I've never had an imaginary friend before; trust me to be so stuck in reality that I can only manage it if they're based on someone who was real, once.
You were real, right? I didn't imagine you. I have pictures, and notes.
How could I have let that go, allowed that to disappear. HOW.
Well, to be fair, there wasn't a lot I could have done. There was one thing I could have done, and I didn't do it, but at the time I had no idea if it was the right thing.
I'm so angry about all this, that this happened. I guess maybe I'm turning that feeling inward on myself, because I don't know where else to put it?
I feel like a lost soul. (I know, that's supposed to be your job. Sry.)
On the walk... I was imagining that we talked about interesting stuff, bounced ideas back and forth, made plans. It was nice. I was rubbing the missing-ness of that enjoyable interaction into the raw wound of your continued absence, I guess because I'm a masochist.
I'm sorry I couldn't help you... didn't help you when you needed it. I wish so much that I had realized you were fading away.
I have to finish up now because it's time to clean the kitty-litter and go to bed.
I'm sorry.
Love always,
Woozle
P.S. (added 5/25): I never closed my heart to you, despite the outcome of you being irretrievably dead and all. Does this mean we still have a relationship? <.<