(inspired by this)
The American Coalition of Bullies and Coercive Bureaucrats (ACBCB) today issued a statement saying that refusing to pay their extortionary demands was, in effect, worse than raping and murdering children and killing bunny-rabbits with a machine gun.
"It's simply inexcusable," a spokesperson for the organization said, "when you think of what these people are doing. Bullies and Coercive Bureaucrats provide an essential function in our society, and are just trying to do their (mostly) legally-appointed jobs; they have wives and kids to support, usually in that order, and it's completely unwarranted and unjustified to deny them the income for which they work so hard threatening and abusing people."
The spokesperson went on to say that the ACBCB is sponsoring legislation to enforce the payment of extortion money, legalize bribery, and mandate universal protection money requirements as part of business insurance. "We just want to see some standards in effect; business has been too corrupt and too chaotic for too long. If bribery is a crime, only criminals will offer bribes; are these the people you want to see in charge of the legislative process?"
He further added that any opposition to the proposed legislation is manufactured by groups with nefarious motives: "People who supposedly believe this is wrong are just enemies of the system, conspiring together to tear it to pieces so they can feast on the scraps. They want to destroy our work and our livelihood and see every single bully and coercive bureaucrat forced to beg for scraps of food in the streets. It's sheer vindictiveness, the degree of destructive thought-patterns exhibited by these so-called "freedom-loving", "peaceful" individuals. They might as well be taking up axes and hacking away at our dogs and destroying our homes -- and they undoubtedly will if we can't enact rules to stop them. It really is completely senseless and brutal."