2012/06/29/More Silliness from Benjamin

This was performed at Sarah's House of Clay on 2012-06-29. The transcription was primarily for closed-captioning purposes, so I haven't included all of the stage action.

Transcription

Narrator: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Allow me to introduce myself. I am the Narrator, and I am here today to narrate "More Silliness From Benjamin"! Yeah! In this play, everyone dies. ...wait, no, no no, that's "Hamlet". Never mind. In this play, anthropomorphic animals do things. Yeah! And this -- this is the scene of much silliness and gratuitously long introductions. Okay. In the beginning, there was nothing... but that's irrelevant, so... skip forward a bit. Once upon a time, of which there seem to be many, there were a great many mice! [mice emerge] And also rats! [Rat emerges] And where there are mice, there are probably humans. [humans walk on] And where there are humans, there will undoubtedly be cats and dogs. [cat and dog come on] And so, it begins.

Our story begins with such a group of animals and humans -- two humans specifically. A great many mice, a family, took shelter in the abode of a human, and uh... two humans, one of which was a cheesemaker, the other's occupation being largely irrelevant. Now these humans, they owned a cat. Now this cat wasn't the most industrious of creatures, preferring to lounge in the sun to work. But I think I shall allow you to watch the play for yourself.

Rat: Ha, you're such a stupid fat cat for sitting there all day. I wish I had some cheese.

Narrator: That rat sure was a villainous creature! No good can come of this.

Mouse 1: And you know what I heard? I heard the humans have a dog!

Mouse 2: Oh yeah, the dog is a fearsome creature. I heard that the mice it catches are changed forever!

Mouse 1: Like old Orangefur's daughter - she's never been the same. Hasn't spoken a word since!

Mouse 2: Well anyway, I don't smell any food around here.

Mouse 3: Guys! Guys! There's a gathering occurring at the cheese pedestal! Come quick!

Narrator: What-ho? A gathering at the most sacred icon of mousedom? This could be interesting!

'Rat: Too long have the humans with their cats and dogs oppressed us! It is our sacred duty to strike back! We must gather all of their cheese and weld it into a giant cheese-wheel!

Crowd: Yeah! (noises of approval)

Cat: Do you seriously think this is going to work? This rat is up to no good, clearly.

Rat: Begone, foul cat, or I shall weld your mouth shut with my magic blowtorch of mouth-welding.

Rat: Go and gather the cheese.

Rat: [says wrong line, then] Ha ha ha -- little do they know that I have ulterior motives!

Narrator: You're a cute little kitty, aren't you. Not terribly good at your job, though, are ya?

Cat: [growls]

Narrator: You may have noticed there were a few mice and rats here a moment ago -- and you didn't raise a paw at them. Chased off by a rat!

Cat: [growls]

Narrator: Down! I transcend reality. Go. ... In any case, lazy felines aside... ulterior motives, you say? Who could have guessed. In any case, things are definitely getting interesting.

Human 1: I dunno, Steve, all my cheese seem to just disappear overnight. There was a new batch, too!

Steve: You're crazy! Cheese doesn't just disappear like overnight!

Human 1: Regardless, it already has! [mouse runs on, steals cheese] Mice! And who'da thunk it! But that still doesn't solve our cheese deficiency; we just know its cause.

Steve: We can't survive without cheese.

Narrator: Such a grave blow to mankind! Life -- without cheese! By Notch, SOMETHING MUST BE DONE!!!

Rat: Oh, I have so much cheese, and I hardly had to lift a finger! [eats] [sighs contentedly]

Mouse 1: Gee, the humans seem so sad ever since we stole their cheese.

Mouse 2: Yeah, I'm really starting to have second thoughts about that rat.

Mouse 1: It seems kind of iffy, you know?

Mouse 3: The rat has been found in a deep cheese coma!

Mouse 1: What? Oh no! But that means...

Mouse 2: We must return a portion of the cheese to the humans, for they are truly our friends! And where else would we get our cheese from?

Mouse 1: But what shall we do with the rat?

Mouse 2: Oh, hmm...

Cat: You could give her to me.

Mouse 1: It's the cat!

Cat: How observant of you, mouse. In any case, I have a certain grudge against this one. She needs to be taught a lesson in respect!

Mouse 1: Thank you, cat! You are wonderful!

Narrator: [under breath] Somebody's going to be eaten. [louder] So, it ends! Hope you've enjoyed this production. I believe a bow is in order. Mice! [mice come on] [humans come on] Rat! [Rat comes on] Cat and Dog! [Cat and Dog come on] And of course, our wonderful narrator!