1999-06-13 Woozle thots

1999.06.13

• status: guilt, anxiety; I want to hide under a table

I really wish I felt like helping the others paint the houses, but in my present state I know I would not be fit company. Possibly if there were fewer of them I could manage, but maybe not. Also I didn't get the idea earlier that I was expected to join in, so I didn't put forth any effort towards psyching myself up for it.

Is this my fault? I don't know. I do know that I arrange my work so that there's always (usually) something I can get motivated to work on, though this may not necessarily be what I was planning to work on. Even if I had planned to work on the houses, I might just really not feel like it -- and I've found that forcing myself to work on things when I really don't feel like it is counterproductive; I'm likely to end up smashing something or yelling at someone.

And again the voice chimes in: I work at that damn programming job I hate in order to pay for this, I've already sunk over $7k into it, doesn't that let me off the hook? Just what are my family obligations anyway? Did I promise something when I wasn't paying attention, or implicitly, that I'm now reneging on somehow?

$5k of that was supposed to be my peace-of-mind buffer, in case I desperately needed to take some time off from working. Just having it there made it easier to go into work, and now it's gone.