Woozle/Jenny/note/008 - Revision history

Woozle: /* Notes (30 of them) */

2023-03-26T16:54:52Z

Notes (30 of them)

← Older revision		Revision as of 16:54, 26 March 2023
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	Pen is better because it lasts – it doesn't rub out!</blockquote>		Pen is better because it lasts – it doesn't rub out!</blockquote>
	==Comments==		==Comments==
	===Notes (30 of them)===		===Notes (3 of them)===
	We both tried really hard, each in our own ways. I wrote lots of notes; she wanted us all to bond with each other. I can't speak for the others, but I know I did – with all three of them, dammit, though in retrospect I did feel closest to Jenny. At the time, I was trying to be very egalitarian, and denied that any one of them was a "favorite", because that seemed mean somehow ("playing favorites")		We both tried really hard, each in our own ways. I wrote lots of notes; she wanted us all to bond with each other. I can't speak for the others, but I know I did – with all three of them, dammit, though in retrospect I did feel closest to Jenny. At the time, I was trying to be very egalitarian, and denied that any one of them was a "favorite", because that seemed mean somehow ("playing favorites")

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	Incidentally, I think it kind of establishes our proto-geek credentials that one of the things we sometimes did when we were gathered together socially was to have dialogues on pieces of paper, when we could have just talked out loud. (I don't know what happened to most of those.) I figure this was the 1980s equivalent to IMing when you're all in the same room, which is kind of classic geek behavior.		Incidentally, I think it kind of establishes our proto-geek credentials that one of the things we sometimes did when we were gathered together socially was to have dialogues on pieces of paper, when we could have just talked out loud. (I don't know what happened to most of those.) I figure this was the 1980s equivalent to IMing when you're all in the same room, which is kind of classic geek behavior.

	===The Party===		===The Party===
	I do remember having one of those sessions at C's house, with all four of us. I don't know if the one I'm remembering was the aforementioned party. Fragments of memory which are probably that party are starting to come back, though. I remember feeling that hanging out with girl friends was very different than the hanging out with boy "friends", which had been my only substantial "young adult" social experience prior to this (kindergarten & 1st grade being the last time I had been able to hang out with girls).		I do remember having one of those sessions at C's house, with all four of us. I don't know if the one I'm remembering was the aforementioned party. Fragments of memory which are probably that party are starting to come back, though. I remember feeling that hanging out with girl friends was very different than the hanging out with boy "friends", which had been my only substantial "young adult" social experience prior to this (kindergarten & 1st grade being the last time I had been able to hang out with girls).

Woozle: /* Last Year (1979) */ a bit of rephrasing

2018-01-31T11:32:13Z

Last Year (1979): a bit of rephrasing

← Older revision		Revision as of 11:32, 31 January 2018
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	{{markup/jquote\|Pen is better}}: I have a longstanding aversion to irrevocable things – such as setting down words in ink, where you can't edit them. With Jenny's encouragement, I did eventually get over that particular preference.		{{markup/jquote\|Pen is better}}: I have a longstanding aversion to irrevocable things – such as setting down words in ink, where you can't edit them. With Jenny's encouragement, I did eventually get over that particular preference.

	One of the reasons I avoided suicide in 1984 was because it was an irrevocable decision. I've made other irrevocable decisions since then, some of which didn't seem irrevocable ~~at first but~~ turned out to be (like moving to Athens). Some worked out well, some didn't. {{l/woozalia\|Me/SRS\|SRS}} was perhaps the biggest, most-obviously-irrevocable decision I've made, and I've been very happy with it. Irrevocability was, really, my main concern about deciding to do it.		One of the reasons I avoided suicide in 1984 was because it was an irrevocable decision, a commitment of resources with no "undo" option. I've made other irrevocable decisions since then, some of which didn't seem as irrevocable as they turned out to be, or seemed like less was at stake (like moving to Athens). Some worked out well, some didn't. {{l/woozalia\|Me/SRS\|SRS}} was perhaps the biggest, most-obviously-irrevocable decision/commitment I've made, and I've been very happy with it. Irrevocability was, really, my main concern about deciding to do it.

	[[Category:1980\|Woozle/Jenny/note/008]]		[[Category:1980\|Woozle/Jenny/note/008]]

Woozle: /* Last Year (1979) */ formatting tweak

2018-01-31T11:29:13Z

Last Year (1979): formatting tweak

← Older revision		Revision as of 11:29, 31 January 2018
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	Yes, she often was ambiguous... and I often had a hard time with it. This is common with autism, which seems to be {{l/woozalia\|Me/autism\|probably a trait of mine}}.		Yes, she often was ambiguous... and I often had a hard time with it. This is common with autism, which seems to be {{l/woozalia\|Me/autism\|probably a trait of mine}}.

	{{markup/jquote\|Why do you always write in capital letters?}} That's an easy one. I had been taught handwriting at DA, and never really took to it; it never flowed or felt natural or looked good. In 5th grade, I started drawing comics (they were terrible and only made sense if you happened to be inside my head at the time), and naturally defaulted to all-caps for the lettering – and after awhile, I noticed that my writing in that style ''did'' have a flow and aesthetic to it that I liked. So I started using that style more. It's not strictly upper-case but <span style="font-variant: small-caps">Small Capitals</span>.[[File:IMG_20171107_082815921.this is how my writing looks now.crop.adj.jpg\|800px]]		{{markup/jquote\|Why do you always write in capital letters?}} That's an easy one. I had been taught handwriting at DA, and never really took to it; it never flowed or felt natural or looked good. In 5th grade, I started drawing comics (they were terrible and only made sense if you happened to be inside my head at the time), and naturally defaulted to all-caps for the lettering – and after awhile, I noticed that my writing in that style ''did'' have a flow and aesthetic to it that I liked. So I started using that style more. It's not strictly upper-case but <span style="font-variant: small-caps">Small Capitals</span>.<br>[[File:IMG_20171107_082815921.this is how my writing looks now.crop.adj.jpg\|800px]]

	{{markup/jquote\|What were you talking to Mr. Goodwillie about}} seems very likely the same conversation described [[Woozle/school/1980/11/30/Goodwillie\|here]], where I've written more about it – but I think it's fair to summarize by saying that having friends had substantially improved my mood and (therefore) ability to interact socially (in class and elsewhere) and to focus on my work.		{{markup/jquote\|What were you talking to Mr. Goodwillie about}} seems very likely the same conversation described [[Woozle/school/1980/11/30/Goodwillie\|here]], where I've written more about it – but I think it's fair to summarize by saying that having friends had substantially improved my mood and (therefore) ability to interact socially (in class and elsewhere) and to focus on my work.
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	One of the reasons I avoided suicide in 1984 was because it was an irrevocable decision. I've made other irrevocable decisions since then, some of which didn't seem irrevocable at first but turned out to be (like moving to Athens). Some worked out well, some didn't. {{l/woozalia\|Me/SRS\|SRS}} was perhaps the biggest, most-obviously-irrevocable decision I've made, and I've been very happy with it. Irrevocability was, really, my main concern about deciding to do it.		One of the reasons I avoided suicide in 1984 was because it was an irrevocable decision. I've made other irrevocable decisions since then, some of which didn't seem irrevocable at first but turned out to be (like moving to Athens). Some worked out well, some didn't. {{l/woozalia\|Me/SRS\|SRS}} was perhaps the biggest, most-obviously-irrevocable decision I've made, and I've been very happy with it. Irrevocability was, really, my main concern about deciding to do it.

			[[Category:1980\|Woozle/Jenny/note/008]]
			[[Category:1980/11\|Woozle/Jenny/note/008]]
			[[Category:1980/11/17\|Woozle/Jenny/note/008]]
			[[Category:Dates/11/17\|Woozle/Jenny/note/008]]
			[[Category:Includes\|I/sub]]
			[[Category:Jenny notes\|Woozle/Jenny/note/008]]
			[[Category:Jenny notes/Jessica\|Woozle/Jenny/note/008]]
			[[Category:Jenny notes/images\|Woozle/Jenny/note/008/scans]]
			[[Category:Months/11\|Woozle/Jenny/note/008]]

	==Scans==		==Scans==
	{{i/sub\|scans}}		{{i/sub\|scans}}

Woozle: /* The Party */ JCSS maybe?

2018-01-31T11:26:36Z

The Party: JCSS maybe?

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 I'm not clear on what her objection was to the chalkboard. I ''think'' this is a reference to a time when we were all in room 4 for some reason and started writing things on the board there. The problem might have been squeaky chalk; this was several years before whiteboards and dry-erase markers started to be a thing.
 ===Last Year (1979)===
 Happening to catch sight of each other in mirrors is a theme that came up a couple of other times. She mentions one in a note.

Woozle: tweaks to clarify referents and such

2018-01-31T11:23:26Z

tweaks to clarify referents and such

← Older revision		Revision as of 11:23, 31 January 2018
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	This felt different. Despite the "[[../002\|goats and monkeys]]" syndrome early on, there was never quite the same sense of having to prove myself worthy; I could trust them to be supportive on some level where boys were always in a sort of competition with each other, just under the surface. It was like swimming in warm water. Girls care about how you're doing; boys don't want to know.		This felt different. Despite the "[[../002\|goats and monkeys]]" syndrome early on, there was never quite the same sense of having to prove myself worthy; I could trust them to be supportive on some level where boys were always in a sort of competition with each other, just under the surface. It was like swimming in warm water. Girls care about how you're doing; boys don't want to know.

	And going the other direction: if you were seen as a boy, showing too much concern about ~~another~~ boy's feelings ran the risk of being called "gay" and becoming the recipient of great hostility – in part because if he didn't reject it, then he might be seen as "gay" as well... and you're expected to know this, so you're basically [perceived as] harming someone by showing concern for them, and that's part of the anger and hostility (essentially "you're gonna make everyone think I'm gay and they'll beat me up! what kind of monster are you, to do that to a friend?").		And going the other direction: if you were seen as a boy, showing too much concern about a[nother] boy's feelings ran the risk of being called "gay" and becoming the recipient of great hostility – in part because if he didn't visibly and forcefully reject said concern, then he might be seen as "gay" as well... and you're expected to know this, so you're basically [perceived as] harming someone by showing concern for them, and that's part of the anger and hostility (essentially "you're gonna make everyone think I'm gay and they'll beat me up! what kind of monster are you, to do that to a friend?").

	From this single self-perpetuating behavior pattern, I suspect, emerges the core of toxic masculinity and misogyny. If affection can only come from women, that leaves men in a position of emotional dependence on women (which, not entirely without reason, creates feelings of resentment and possessiveness) and leaves women having to do all the emotional labor.		From this single self-perpetuating behavior pattern, I suspect, emerges the core of toxic masculinity and misogyny. If affection can only come from women, that leaves men in a position of emotional dependence on women (which, not entirely without reason, creates feelings of resentment and possessiveness) and leaves women having to do all the emotional labor.

Woozle: reshares

2017-11-12T13:12:50Z

reshares

← Older revision		Revision as of 13:12, 12 November 2017
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	<ref name=AcademyRd>NC Highway 751, which ran just on the other side of the woods behind [[2719 McDowell Street\|our house on McDowell Street]], had by that time already been named "Cameron Boulevard" (after "bloody {{l/wp\|Eddie Cameron}}" in my mother's words) between Duke University Road and 15-501 Bypass. In order to prevent the remaining stretch from being similarly named, a process which apparently seemed a political likelihood, there was a campaign to rename the remaining otherwise-unnamed stretch of NC 751 between Duke University Road and University Drive to "Academy Road", after [[Durham Academy]].</ref>		<ref name=AcademyRd>NC Highway 751, which ran just on the other side of the woods behind [[2719 McDowell Street\|our house on McDowell Street]], had by that time already been named "Cameron Boulevard" (after "bloody {{l/wp\|Eddie Cameron}}" in my mother's words) between Duke University Road and 15-501 Bypass. In order to prevent the remaining stretch from being similarly named, a process which apparently seemed a political likelihood, there was a campaign to rename the remaining otherwise-unnamed stretch of NC 751 between Duke University Road and University Drive to "Academy Road", after [[Durham Academy]].</ref>
	</references>		</references>
			==Reshares==
			* '''2017-11-12''' [https://plus.google.com/+WoozleHypertwin/posts/RCcjdSQLMix Google+] and [https://www.facebook.com/woozalia/posts/10155297161597695 Facebook]

	[[Category:1980\|Woozle/Jenny/note/008]]		[[Category:1980\|Woozle/Jenny/note/008]]

Woozle: tweaks

2017-11-12T12:33:36Z

tweaks

← Older revision		Revision as of 12:33, 12 November 2017
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	Bonding, though: some part of my brain still thinks of E and C as being family, albeit estranged to some degree. If either of them needed help I'd want to give it, even though we've been mostly out of touch since everything blew up. I've searched myself for anger or resentment, and I can't find anything substantial. They were friends; it's a club with a lifetime membership, on my side. (I'd call it "exclusive", but really the main reason it has so few members is that very few people want to join – and of course two of the founding members – J and [[Tigger]] – up and died on me.)		Bonding, though: some part of my brain still thinks of E and C as being family, albeit estranged to some degree. If either of them needed help I'd want to give it, even though we've been mostly out of touch since everything blew up. I've searched myself for anger or resentment, and I can't find anything substantial. They were friends; it's a club with a lifetime membership, on my side. (I'd call it "exclusive", but really the main reason it has so few members is that very few people want to join – and of course two of the founding members – J and [[Tigger]] – up and died on me.)

	I think it kind of establishes our proto-geek credentials that one of the things we sometimes did when we were gathered together socially was to have dialogues on pieces of paper. (I don't know what happened to most of those.) I figure this was the 1980s equivalent to IMing when you're all in the same room, which is kind of classic geek behavior.		Incidentally, I think it kind of establishes our proto-geek credentials that one of the things we sometimes did when we were gathered together socially was to have dialogues on pieces of paper, when we could have just talked out loud. (I don't know what happened to most of those.) I figure this was the 1980s equivalent to IMing when you're all in the same room, which is kind of classic geek behavior.
	===The Party===		===The Party===
	I do remember having one of those sessions at C's house, with all four of us. I don't know if the one I'm remembering was the aforementioned party. Fragments of memory which are probably that party are starting to come back, though. I remember feeling that hanging out with girl friends was very different than the hanging out with boy "friends", which had been my only substantial social experience prior to this.		I do remember having one of those sessions at C's house, with all four of us. I don't know if the one I'm remembering was the aforementioned party. Fragments of memory which are probably that party are starting to come back, though. I remember feeling that hanging out with girl friends was very different than the hanging out with boy "friends", which had been my only substantial "young adult" social experience prior to this (kindergarten & 1st grade being the last time I had been able to hang out with girls).

	With boys, you always have to be doing something, working on something, playing at something; there has to be an activity you're focused on so you don't have to interact with each other as people too much. At Mark's, we would play with his Lionel trains. At Jay's, we would read his massive collection of comic books. I can't remember much about any of the others.		With boys, you always have to be doing something, working on something, playing at something; there has to be an activity you're focused on so you don't have to interact with each other as people too much. At Mark's, we would play with his Lionel trains. At Jay's, we would read his massive collection of comic books. I can't remember much about any of the others.
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	This felt different. Despite the "[[../002\|goats and monkeys]]" syndrome early on, there was never quite the same sense of having to prove myself worthy; I could trust them to be supportive on some level where boys were always in a sort of competition with each other, just under the surface. It was like swimming in warm water. Girls care about how you're doing; boys don't want to know.		This felt different. Despite the "[[../002\|goats and monkeys]]" syndrome early on, there was never quite the same sense of having to prove myself worthy; I could trust them to be supportive on some level where boys were always in a sort of competition with each other, just under the surface. It was like swimming in warm water. Girls care about how you're doing; boys don't want to know.

	And going the other direction: if you were seen as a boy, showing too much concern about another boy's feelings ran the risk of being called "gay" and becoming the recipient of great hostility – in part because if he didn't reject it, then he might be seen as "gay" as well... and you're expected to know this, so you're basically harming someone by showing concern for them, and that's part of the anger and hostility (essentially "you're gonna make everyone think I'm gay and they'll beat me up!").		And going the other direction: if you were seen as a boy, showing too much concern about another boy's feelings ran the risk of being called "gay" and becoming the recipient of great hostility – in part because if he didn't reject it, then he might be seen as "gay" as well... and you're expected to know this, so you're basically [perceived as] harming someone by showing concern for them, and that's part of the anger and hostility (essentially "you're gonna make everyone think I'm gay and they'll beat me up! what kind of monster are you, to do that to a friend?").

	From this single self-perpetuating behavior pattern, I suspect, emerges the core of toxic masculinity and misogyny. If affection can only come from women, that leaves men in a position of emotional dependence on women (which, not entirely without reason, creates feelings of resentment and possessiveness) and leaves women having to do all the emotional labor.		From this single self-perpetuating behavior pattern, I suspect, emerges the core of toxic masculinity and misogyny. If affection can only come from women, that leaves men in a position of emotional dependence on women (which, not entirely without reason, creates feelings of resentment and possessiveness) and leaves women having to do all the emotional labor.

Woozle: tweaks & updates

2017-11-12T11:17:56Z

tweaks & updates

← Older revision		Revision as of 11:17, 12 November 2017
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	{{markup/jquote\|Why do you always write in capital letters?}} That's an easy one. I had been taught handwriting at DA, and never really took to it; it never flowed or felt natural or looked good. In 5th grade, I started drawing comics (they were terrible and only made sense if you happened to be inside my head at the time), and naturally defaulted to all-caps for the lettering – and after awhile, I noticed that my writing in that style ''did'' have a flow and aesthetic to it that I liked. So I started using that style more. It's not strictly upper-case but <span style="font-variant: small-caps">Small Capitals</span>.[[File:IMG_20171107_082815921.this is how my writing looks now.crop.adj.jpg\|800px]]		{{markup/jquote\|Why do you always write in capital letters?}} That's an easy one. I had been taught handwriting at DA, and never really took to it; it never flowed or felt natural or looked good. In 5th grade, I started drawing comics (they were terrible and only made sense if you happened to be inside my head at the time), and naturally defaulted to all-caps for the lettering – and after awhile, I noticed that my writing in that style ''did'' have a flow and aesthetic to it that I liked. So I started using that style more. It's not strictly upper-case but <span style="font-variant: small-caps">Small Capitals</span>.[[File:IMG_20171107_082815921.this is how my writing looks now.crop.adj.jpg\|800px]]

	{{markup/jquote\|What were you talking to Mr. Goodwillie about}} seems very likely the same conversation ~~referred to~~ [[Woozle/school/1980/11/30/Goodwillie\|here]]. I ~~have~~ more ~~to say~~ about ~~that,~~ but I think it's fair to ~~say~~ that having friends had substantially improved my mood and therefore ability to interact socially (in class and elsewhere).		{{markup/jquote\|What were you talking to Mr. Goodwillie about}} seems very likely the same conversation described [[Woozle/school/1980/11/30/Goodwillie\|here]], where I've written more about it – but I think it's fair to summarize by saying that having friends had substantially improved my mood and (therefore) ability to interact socially (in class and elsewhere) and to focus on my work.

	I have no idea what {{markup/jquote\|cavortions, what?}} refers to. My theory at the time, to the best of my recollection, was that I had used the word "cavortions" in the note to which she was responding. This remains my primary theory. Sadly, opportunities to rigorously expose this theory to scientific investigation are unlikely to emerge at any time in the future.		I have no idea what {{markup/jquote\|cavortions, what?}} refers to. My theory at the time, to the best of my recollection, was that I had used the word "cavortions" in the note to which she was responding. This remains my primary theory. Sadly, opportunities to rigorously expose this theory to scientific investigation are unlikely to emerge at any time in the future.
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	{{markup/jquote\|Today after school}}: I think maybe the school bus broke down in our neighborhood, and the driver allowed us to walk home? And it had rained recently and the gutters had water in them, so we couldn't resist splashing? That seems like a thing that happened at some point, anyway.		{{markup/jquote\|Today after school}}: I think maybe the school bus broke down in our neighborhood, and the driver allowed us to walk home? And it had rained recently and the gutters had water in them, so we couldn't resist splashing? That seems like a thing that happened at some point, anyway.

	{{markup/jquote\|What do you have against Dickens?}} Nothing, in principle; it's just that I've always had a hard time reading mainstream (non-SF) literature. It doesn't sustain my interest, and often the social conventions it presents clashed with my head – especially if gender roles were involved (as they often were), because that got into issues that I lacked the necessary understanding to even begin to ~~analyze~~ (see {{l/woozalia\|Me/gender identity/paradox}}). It only got worse in college.		{{markup/jquote\|What do you have against Dickens?}} Nothing, in principle; it's just that I've always had a hard time reading mainstream (non-SF) literature. It doesn't sustain my interest, and often the social conventions it presents clashed with my head – especially if gender roles were involved (as they often were), because that got into issues that I lacked the necessary understanding to even begin to untangle (see {{l/woozalia\|Me/gender identity/paradox}}). It only got worse in college.

	This became somewhat less true as I got older, but I've never really enjoyed fiction other than SF and Fantasy. (At age 15, change that to pretty much just "hard SF"; I had a difficult time with ''Lord of the Rings'' and even non-tech-oriented SF like ''Dune''. Ray Bradbury's ''Dandelion Wine'' made no sense to me at all.)		This became somewhat less true as I got older, but I've never really enjoyed fiction other than SF and Fantasy. (At age 15, change that to pretty much just "hard SF"; I had a difficult time with ''Lord of the Rings'' and even non-tech-oriented SF like ''Dune''. Ray Bradbury's ''Dandelion Wine'' made no sense to me at all.)

Woozle: template for inline j-quotes

2017-11-09T10:28:21Z

template for inline j-quotes

Woozle: toxic masculinity

2017-11-08T11:17:41Z

toxic masculinity

← Older revision		Revision as of 11:17, 8 November 2017
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	This felt different. Despite the "[[../002\|goats and monkeys]]" syndrome early on, there was never quite the same sense of having to prove myself worthy; I could trust them to be supportive on some level where boys were always in a sort of competition with each other, just under the surface. It was like swimming in warm water. Girls care about how you're doing; boys don't want to know.		This felt different. Despite the "[[../002\|goats and monkeys]]" syndrome early on, there was never quite the same sense of having to prove myself worthy; I could trust them to be supportive on some level where boys were always in a sort of competition with each other, just under the surface. It was like swimming in warm water. Girls care about how you're doing; boys don't want to know.

	I also remember having one of several dissociative experiences, and talking about them with C. I called them "unreality attacks". They weren't exactly ''unpleasant'', just odd. I've heard dissociation described as like being outside your body and looking back at yourself, but this was more like I was watching a movie shot from my ~~eyeball perspective~~.		And going the other direction: if you were seen as a boy, showing too much concern about another boy's feelings ran the risk of being called "gay" and becoming the recipient of great hostility – in part because if he didn't reject it, then he might be seen as "gay" as well... and you're expected to know this, so you're basically harming someone by showing concern for them, and that's part of the anger and hostility (essentially "you're gonna make everyone think I'm gay and they'll beat me up!").

			From this single self-perpetuating behavior pattern, I suspect, emerges the core of toxic masculinity and misogyny. If affection can only come from women, that leaves men in a position of emotional dependence on women (which, not entirely without reason, creates feelings of resentment and possessiveness) and leaves women having to do all the emotional labor.

			Hopefully it's obvious by now how badly this sucks for everyone.

			I also remember having one of several dissociative experiences, and talking about them with C. I called them "unreality attacks". They weren't exactly ''unpleasant'', just odd. I've heard dissociation described as like being outside your body and looking back at yourself, but this was more like I was watching a 3d movie shot from the perspective of my eyeballs.

	I'm not clear on what her objection was to the chalkboard. I ''think'' this is a reference to a time when we were all in room 4 for some reason and started writing things on the board there. The problem might have been squeaky chalk; this was several years before whiteboards and dry-erase markers started to be a thing.		I'm not clear on what her objection was to the chalkboard. I ''think'' this is a reference to a time when we were all in room 4 for some reason and started writing things on the board there. The problem might have been squeaky chalk; this was several years before whiteboards and dry-erase markers started to be a thing.
	===Last Year===		===Last Year (1979)===
	Happening to catch sight of each other in mirrors is a theme that came up a couple of other times. She mentions one in a note.		Happening to catch sight of each other in mirrors is a theme that came up a couple of other times. She mentions one in a note.

← Older revision		Revision as of 11:32, 31 January 2018
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	{{markup/jquote\|Pen is better}}: I have a longstanding aversion to irrevocable things – such as setting down words in ink, where you can't edit them. With Jenny's encouragement, I did eventually get over that particular preference.		{{markup/jquote\|Pen is better}}: I have a longstanding aversion to irrevocable things – such as setting down words in ink, where you can't edit them. With Jenny's encouragement, I did eventually get over that particular preference.

	One of the reasons I avoided suicide in 1984 was because it was an irrevocable decision. I've made other irrevocable decisions since then, some of which didn't seem irrevocable ~~at first but~~ turned out to be (like moving to Athens). Some worked out well, some didn't. {{l/woozalia\|Me/SRS\|SRS}} was perhaps the biggest, most-obviously-irrevocable decision I've made, and I've been very happy with it. Irrevocability was, really, my main concern about deciding to do it.		One of the reasons I avoided suicide in 1984 was because it was an irrevocable decision, a commitment of resources with no "undo" option. I've made other irrevocable decisions since then, some of which didn't seem as irrevocable as they turned out to be, or seemed like less was at stake (like moving to Athens). Some worked out well, some didn't. {{l/woozalia\|Me/SRS\|SRS}} was perhaps the biggest, most-obviously-irrevocable decision/commitment I've made, and I've been very happy with it. Irrevocability was, really, my main concern about deciding to do it.

	[[Category:1980\|Woozle/Jenny/note/008]]		[[Category:1980\|Woozle/Jenny/note/008]]

← Older revision		Revision as of 11:29, 31 January 2018
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	Yes, she often was ambiguous... and I often had a hard time with it. This is common with autism, which seems to be {{l/woozalia\|Me/autism\|probably a trait of mine}}.		Yes, she often was ambiguous... and I often had a hard time with it. This is common with autism, which seems to be {{l/woozalia\|Me/autism\|probably a trait of mine}}.

	{{markup/jquote\|Why do you always write in capital letters?}} That's an easy one. I had been taught handwriting at DA, and never really took to it; it never flowed or felt natural or looked good. In 5th grade, I started drawing comics (they were terrible and only made sense if you happened to be inside my head at the time), and naturally defaulted to all-caps for the lettering – and after awhile, I noticed that my writing in that style ''did'' have a flow and aesthetic to it that I liked. So I started using that style more. It's not strictly upper-case but <span style="font-variant: small-caps">Small Capitals</span>.[[File:IMG_20171107_082815921.this is how my writing looks now.crop.adj.jpg\|800px]]		{{markup/jquote\|Why do you always write in capital letters?}} That's an easy one. I had been taught handwriting at DA, and never really took to it; it never flowed or felt natural or looked good. In 5th grade, I started drawing comics (they were terrible and only made sense if you happened to be inside my head at the time), and naturally defaulted to all-caps for the lettering – and after awhile, I noticed that my writing in that style ''did'' have a flow and aesthetic to it that I liked. So I started using that style more. It's not strictly upper-case but <span style="font-variant: small-caps">Small Capitals</span>.<br>[[File:IMG_20171107_082815921.this is how my writing looks now.crop.adj.jpg\|800px]]

	{{markup/jquote\|What were you talking to Mr. Goodwillie about}} seems very likely the same conversation described [[Woozle/school/1980/11/30/Goodwillie\|here]], where I've written more about it – but I think it's fair to summarize by saying that having friends had substantially improved my mood and (therefore) ability to interact socially (in class and elsewhere) and to focus on my work.		{{markup/jquote\|What were you talking to Mr. Goodwillie about}} seems very likely the same conversation described [[Woozle/school/1980/11/30/Goodwillie\|here]], where I've written more about it – but I think it's fair to summarize by saying that having friends had substantially improved my mood and (therefore) ability to interact socially (in class and elsewhere) and to focus on my work.
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	One of the reasons I avoided suicide in 1984 was because it was an irrevocable decision. I've made other irrevocable decisions since then, some of which didn't seem irrevocable at first but turned out to be (like moving to Athens). Some worked out well, some didn't. {{l/woozalia\|Me/SRS\|SRS}} was perhaps the biggest, most-obviously-irrevocable decision I've made, and I've been very happy with it. Irrevocability was, really, my main concern about deciding to do it.		One of the reasons I avoided suicide in 1984 was because it was an irrevocable decision. I've made other irrevocable decisions since then, some of which didn't seem irrevocable at first but turned out to be (like moving to Athens). Some worked out well, some didn't. {{l/woozalia\|Me/SRS\|SRS}} was perhaps the biggest, most-obviously-irrevocable decision I've made, and I've been very happy with it. Irrevocability was, really, my main concern about deciding to do it.

			[[Category:1980\|Woozle/Jenny/note/008]]
			[[Category:1980/11\|Woozle/Jenny/note/008]]
			[[Category:1980/11/17\|Woozle/Jenny/note/008]]
			[[Category:Dates/11/17\|Woozle/Jenny/note/008]]
			[[Category:Includes\|I/sub]]
			[[Category:Jenny notes\|Woozle/Jenny/note/008]]
			[[Category:Jenny notes/Jessica\|Woozle/Jenny/note/008]]
			[[Category:Jenny notes/images\|Woozle/Jenny/note/008/scans]]
			[[Category:Months/11\|Woozle/Jenny/note/008]]

	==Scans==		==Scans==
	{{i/sub\|scans}}		{{i/sub\|scans}}

← Older revision		Revision as of 11:17, 12 November 2017
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	{{markup/jquote\|Why do you always write in capital letters?}} That's an easy one. I had been taught handwriting at DA, and never really took to it; it never flowed or felt natural or looked good. In 5th grade, I started drawing comics (they were terrible and only made sense if you happened to be inside my head at the time), and naturally defaulted to all-caps for the lettering – and after awhile, I noticed that my writing in that style ''did'' have a flow and aesthetic to it that I liked. So I started using that style more. It's not strictly upper-case but <span style="font-variant: small-caps">Small Capitals</span>.[[File:IMG_20171107_082815921.this is how my writing looks now.crop.adj.jpg\|800px]]		{{markup/jquote\|Why do you always write in capital letters?}} That's an easy one. I had been taught handwriting at DA, and never really took to it; it never flowed or felt natural or looked good. In 5th grade, I started drawing comics (they were terrible and only made sense if you happened to be inside my head at the time), and naturally defaulted to all-caps for the lettering – and after awhile, I noticed that my writing in that style ''did'' have a flow and aesthetic to it that I liked. So I started using that style more. It's not strictly upper-case but <span style="font-variant: small-caps">Small Capitals</span>.[[File:IMG_20171107_082815921.this is how my writing looks now.crop.adj.jpg\|800px]]

	{{markup/jquote\|What were you talking to Mr. Goodwillie about}} seems very likely the same conversation ~~referred to~~ [[Woozle/school/1980/11/30/Goodwillie\|here]]. I ~~have~~ more ~~to say~~ about ~~that,~~ but I think it's fair to ~~say~~ that having friends had substantially improved my mood and therefore ability to interact socially (in class and elsewhere).		{{markup/jquote\|What were you talking to Mr. Goodwillie about}} seems very likely the same conversation described [[Woozle/school/1980/11/30/Goodwillie\|here]], where I've written more about it – but I think it's fair to summarize by saying that having friends had substantially improved my mood and (therefore) ability to interact socially (in class and elsewhere) and to focus on my work.

	I have no idea what {{markup/jquote\|cavortions, what?}} refers to. My theory at the time, to the best of my recollection, was that I had used the word "cavortions" in the note to which she was responding. This remains my primary theory. Sadly, opportunities to rigorously expose this theory to scientific investigation are unlikely to emerge at any time in the future.		I have no idea what {{markup/jquote\|cavortions, what?}} refers to. My theory at the time, to the best of my recollection, was that I had used the word "cavortions" in the note to which she was responding. This remains my primary theory. Sadly, opportunities to rigorously expose this theory to scientific investigation are unlikely to emerge at any time in the future.
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	{{markup/jquote\|Today after school}}: I think maybe the school bus broke down in our neighborhood, and the driver allowed us to walk home? And it had rained recently and the gutters had water in them, so we couldn't resist splashing? That seems like a thing that happened at some point, anyway.		{{markup/jquote\|Today after school}}: I think maybe the school bus broke down in our neighborhood, and the driver allowed us to walk home? And it had rained recently and the gutters had water in them, so we couldn't resist splashing? That seems like a thing that happened at some point, anyway.

	{{markup/jquote\|What do you have against Dickens?}} Nothing, in principle; it's just that I've always had a hard time reading mainstream (non-SF) literature. It doesn't sustain my interest, and often the social conventions it presents clashed with my head – especially if gender roles were involved (as they often were), because that got into issues that I lacked the necessary understanding to even begin to ~~analyze~~ (see {{l/woozalia\|Me/gender identity/paradox}}). It only got worse in college.		{{markup/jquote\|What do you have against Dickens?}} Nothing, in principle; it's just that I've always had a hard time reading mainstream (non-SF) literature. It doesn't sustain my interest, and often the social conventions it presents clashed with my head – especially if gender roles were involved (as they often were), because that got into issues that I lacked the necessary understanding to even begin to untangle (see {{l/woozalia\|Me/gender identity/paradox}}). It only got worse in college.

	This became somewhat less true as I got older, but I've never really enjoyed fiction other than SF and Fantasy. (At age 15, change that to pretty much just "hard SF"; I had a difficult time with ''Lord of the Rings'' and even non-tech-oriented SF like ''Dune''. Ray Bradbury's ''Dandelion Wine'' made no sense to me at all.)		This became somewhat less true as I got older, but I've never really enjoyed fiction other than SF and Fantasy. (At age 15, change that to pretty much just "hard SF"; I had a difficult time with ''Lord of the Rings'' and even non-tech-oriented SF like ''Dune''. Ray Bradbury's ''Dandelion Wine'' made no sense to me at all.)

← Older revision		Revision as of 10:28, 9 November 2017
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	[[Jessica]] assures me that I was not rude, and that Jenny (being a younger/youngest sister herself) was just teasing me, having noticed that I was being more familiar with Jessica than I would be with a friend or other random person. I'm pretty sure I took it seriously at the time, though.		[[Jessica]] assures me that I was not rude, and that Jenny (being a younger/youngest sister herself) was just teasing me, having noticed that I was being more familiar with Jessica than I would be with a friend or other random person. I'm pretty sure I took it seriously at the time, though.

	The encounter "last year at the [[Museum of Life & Science]]" was almost certainly the one I describe thusly in [[../../story\|my Jenny story]]:<blockquote>I think the first time I remember recognizing her as an individual, rather than as one of the sea of faces belonging to children of people my parents knew or some other such broad category, was when I was with my mother at the Museum of Life & Science and we ran into her with her mother. This was a fairly common occurrence – running into contemporaries in the tow of their mothers, nothing of significance being said – except that this time, while the the two moms were talking, she was looking at me. There were radio signals going out. I could feel them coming across, but had such low expectations as regards to friendship from interesting people that I filed it along with my other idle people-fantasies.</blockquote>		The encounter {{markup/jquote\|last year at the [[Museum of Life & Science]]}} was almost certainly the one I describe thusly in [[../../story\|my Jenny story]]:<blockquote>I think the first time I remember recognizing her as an individual, rather than as one of the sea of faces belonging to children of people my parents knew or some other such broad category, was when I was with my mother at the Museum of Life & Science and we ran into her with her mother. This was a fairly common occurrence – running into contemporaries in the tow of their mothers, nothing of significance being said – except that this time, while the the two moms were talking, she was looking at me. There were radio signals going out. I could feel them coming across, but had such low expectations as regards to friendship from interesting people that I filed it along with my other idle people-fantasies.</blockquote>

	I should probably note that this encounter took place at the ''old'' location, on the south side of Murray avenue. The north side hadn't been developed at all, to the best of my recollection.		I should probably note that this encounter took place at the ''old'' location, on the south side of Murray avenue. The north side hadn't been developed at all, to the best of my recollection.
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	I'm also going to say as little as possible about my interactions with C – not by preference, out of negative feelings or anything, but just because I kind of sense she'd rather not have them discussed. I do "have feels" about this, though, as they say on the internets.		I'm also going to say as little as possible about my interactions with C – not by preference, out of negative feelings or anything, but just because I kind of sense she'd rather not have them discussed. I do "have feels" about this, though, as they say on the internets.

	The "jokes about my being graphic": in her [[../007\|previous note]], she had said "I'm not used to someone as graphic and straightforward as you." and I'm pretty sure my note in response to this included a graph I drew in which one of the axes was something like "what I think of that comment". So that was my joke.		The {{markup/jquote\|jokes about you being graphic}}: in her [[../007\|previous note]], she had said "I'm not used to someone as graphic and straightforward as you." and I'm pretty sure my note in response to this included a graph I drew in which one of the axes was something like "what I think of that comment". So that was my joke.

	Yes, she often was ambiguous... and I often had a hard time with it. This is common with autism, which seems to be {{l/woozalia\|Me/autism\|probably a trait of mine}}.		Yes, she often was ambiguous... and I often had a hard time with it. This is common with autism, which seems to be {{l/woozalia\|Me/autism\|probably a trait of mine}}.

	"Why do you always write in capital letters?" That's an easy one. I had been taught handwriting at DA, and never really took to it; it never flowed or felt natural or looked good. In 5th grade, I started drawing comics (they were terrible and only made sense if you happened to be inside my head at the time), and naturally defaulted to all-caps for the lettering – and after awhile, I noticed that my writing in that style ''did'' have a flow and aesthetic to it that I liked. So I started using that style more. It's not strictly upper-case but <span style="font-variant: small-caps">Small Capitals</span>.[[File:IMG_20171107_082815921.this is how my writing looks now.crop.adj.jpg\|800px]]		{{markup/jquote\|Why do you always write in capital letters?}} That's an easy one. I had been taught handwriting at DA, and never really took to it; it never flowed or felt natural or looked good. In 5th grade, I started drawing comics (they were terrible and only made sense if you happened to be inside my head at the time), and naturally defaulted to all-caps for the lettering – and after awhile, I noticed that my writing in that style ''did'' have a flow and aesthetic to it that I liked. So I started using that style more. It's not strictly upper-case but <span style="font-variant: small-caps">Small Capitals</span>.[[File:IMG_20171107_082815921.this is how my writing looks now.crop.adj.jpg\|800px]]

	"What were you talking to Mr. Goodwillie about" seems very likely the same conversation referred to [[Woozle/school/1980/11/30/Goodwillie\|here]]. I have more to say about that, but I think it's fair to say that having friends had substantially improved my mood and therefore ability to interact socially (in class and elsewhere).		{{markup/jquote\|What were you talking to Mr. Goodwillie about}} seems very likely the same conversation referred to [[Woozle/school/1980/11/30/Goodwillie\|here]]. I have more to say about that, but I think it's fair to say that having friends had substantially improved my mood and therefore ability to interact socially (in class and elsewhere).

	I have no idea what "cavortions, what?" refers to. My theory at the time, to the best of my recollection, was that I had used the word "cavortions" in the note to which she was responding. This remains my primary theory. Sadly, opportunities to rigorously expose this theory to scientific investigation are unlikely to emerge at any time in the future.		I have no idea what {{markup/jquote\|cavortions, what?}} refers to. My theory at the time, to the best of my recollection, was that I had used the word "cavortions" in the note to which she was responding. This remains my primary theory. Sadly, opportunities to rigorously expose this theory to scientific investigation are unlikely to emerge at any time in the future.

	"Today after school": I think maybe the school bus broke down in our neighborhood, and the driver allowed us to walk home? And it had rained recently and the gutters had water in them, so we couldn't resist splashing? That seems like a thing that happened at some point, anyway.		{{markup/jquote\|Today after school}}: I think maybe the school bus broke down in our neighborhood, and the driver allowed us to walk home? And it had rained recently and the gutters had water in them, so we couldn't resist splashing? That seems like a thing that happened at some point, anyway.

	"What do you have against Dickens?" Nothing, in principle; it's just that I've always had a hard time reading mainstream (non-SF) literature. It doesn't sustain my interest, and often the social conventions it presents clashed with my head – especially if gender roles were involved (as they often were), because that got into issues that I lacked the necessary understanding to even begin to analyze (see {{l/woozalia\|Me/gender identity/paradox}}). It only got worse in college.		{{markup/jquote\|What do you have against Dickens?}} Nothing, in principle; it's just that I've always had a hard time reading mainstream (non-SF) literature. It doesn't sustain my interest, and often the social conventions it presents clashed with my head – especially if gender roles were involved (as they often were), because that got into issues that I lacked the necessary understanding to even begin to analyze (see {{l/woozalia\|Me/gender identity/paradox}}). It only got worse in college.

	This became somewhat less true as I got older, but I've never really enjoyed fiction other than SF and Fantasy. (At age 15, change that to pretty much just "hard SF"; I had a difficult time with ''Lord of the Rings'' and even non-tech-oriented SF like ''Dune''. Ray Bradbury's ''Dandelion Wine'' made no sense to me at all.)		This became somewhat less true as I got older, but I've never really enjoyed fiction other than SF and Fantasy. (At age 15, change that to pretty much just "hard SF"; I had a difficult time with ''Lord of the Rings'' and even non-tech-oriented SF like ''Dune''. Ray Bradbury's ''Dandelion Wine'' made no sense to me at all.)

	"Pen is better": I ~~had~~ a longstanding aversion to irrevocable things – such as setting down words in ink, where you can't edit them. With Jenny's encouragement, I did eventually get over that particular preference.		{{markup/jquote\|Pen is better}}: I have a longstanding aversion to irrevocable things – such as setting down words in ink, where you can't edit them. With Jenny's encouragement, I did eventually get over that particular preference.

	One of the reasons I avoided suicide in 1984 was because it was an irrevocable decision. I've made other irrevocable decisions since then, some of which didn't seem irrevocable at first but turned out to be (like moving to Athens). Some worked out well, some didn't. {{l/woozalia\|Me/SRS\|SRS}} was perhaps the biggest, most-obviously-irrevocable decision I've made, and I've been very happy with it. Irrevocability was, really, my main concern about deciding to do it.		One of the reasons I avoided suicide in 1984 was because it was an irrevocable decision. I've made other irrevocable decisions since then, some of which didn't seem irrevocable at first but turned out to be (like moving to Athens). Some worked out well, some didn't. {{l/woozalia\|Me/SRS\|SRS}} was perhaps the biggest, most-obviously-irrevocable decision I've made, and I've been very happy with it. Irrevocability was, really, my main concern about deciding to do it.