Woozle/Jenny/The Hug - Revision history

Woozle: aggh, more tweaks

2017-12-12T19:55:15Z

aggh, more tweaks

← Older revision		Revision as of 19:55, 12 December 2017
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	On top of that, I was fed a steady diet of belief that one's career and professional achievements were the entirety of one's worth – and while I was hardly a failure in grade school, I was not excelling; I was repeatedly admonished for not "living up to your potential", with all the implications that had for my worth as a human being and (therefore) my sense of self-worth.		On top of that, I was fed a steady diet of belief that one's career and professional achievements were the entirety of one's worth – and while I was hardly a failure in grade school, I was not excelling; I was repeatedly admonished for not "living up to your potential", with all the implications that had for my worth as a human being and (therefore) my sense of self-worth.

	~~I became averse to contact –~~ the one thing that made me feel content and at peace (when offered genuinely and consensually) became something that I avoided and didn't even realize I desperately needed. I was left with a sense of emotional emptiness and a feeling of worthlessness surrounding my lack of ability to do what I was "supposed" to be doing~~. (~~I'~~m {{l/woozalia\|Emoblog/2017/12/08/not quite borderline\|still trying~~ to ~~figure out what's going on~~ with ~~all that}}, but meaningful hugs~~ and ~~meaningful contact are definitely a big part~~ of it.)		So, the one thing that made me feel content and at peace (when offered genuinely and consensually) became something that I avoided and didn't even realize I desperately needed – while I was also getting lots of messages that I was basically inadequate (from parents) or even repugnant (from [[Durham Academy\|classmates]]). I was left with a sense of emotional emptiness and a feeling of worthlessness surrounding my lack of ability to do what I was "supposed" to be doing, and I couldn't feel physical comfort from anyone even if there had been anyone to sincerely offer it because it was so strongly associated with being urged to try harder at school (and disassociated from anything of meaning to me).

	I had no community, no friends I could count on, no emotional support. Just people who sometimes would play with me and people who were related to me...		I had no community, no friends I could count on, no emotional support. Just people who sometimes would play with me and people who were related to me...

Woozle: why did that paragraph not break?

2017-12-12T19:36:34Z

why did that paragraph not break?

← Older revision		Revision as of 19:36, 12 December 2017
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	==The Aftermath==		==The Aftermath==
	I think J's reaction had maybe a little more of a sexual element than mine, but she describes the intensity I felt pretty well (#26 p5):		I think J's reaction had maybe a little more of a sexual element than mine, but she describes the intensity I felt pretty well (#26 p5):
	<blockquote>...I can't ignore how <u>good</u> that felt. My body aches for more. I'm afraid to hug you again for fear of not wanting to let go. My God – I don't want to fall in love with you. But-I-need-something...		<blockquote><p>...I can't ignore how <u>good</u> that felt. My body aches for more. I'm afraid to hug you again for fear of not wanting to let go. My God – I don't want to fall in love with you. But-I-need-something...</p>

	Did you feel the same thing? Are you as sex-starved as I?</blockquote>		<p>Did you feel the same thing? Are you as sex-starved as I?</p></blockquote>
	It's difficult to disentwine the threads of my then-reaction from this distance. I think, though, that I'd already been experiencing sexual feelings towards them – that is, what passes (or, really, ''passed'') for "sexual" in me, which had more to do with wanting to touch certain body parts, which in turn was really more of a dysphoria-palliative than actually sexual. In any case, any "sexual"-ish feelings I might have felt in that embrace were not what was new about it.		It's difficult to disentwine the threads of my then-reaction from this distance. I think, though, that I'd already been experiencing sexual feelings towards them – that is, what passes (or, really, ''passed'') for "sexual" in me, which had more to do with wanting to touch certain body parts, which in turn was really more of a dysphoria-palliative than actually sexual. In any case, any "sexual"-ish feelings I might have felt in that embrace were not what was new about it.

Woozle: aftermath

2017-12-12T19:33:04Z

aftermath

← Older revision		Revision as of 19:33, 12 December 2017
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	[[Woozle/Jenny/note/026\|Jenny says]] it was room 2; I remember it as the room labeled 3 on [[CFS/US/layout\|this map]], but maybe I have the numbers reversed or (less likely) maybe I'm remembering the physical location wrong.		[[Woozle/Jenny/note/026\|Jenny says]] it was room 2; I remember it as the room labeled 3 on [[CFS/US/layout\|this map]], but maybe I have the numbers reversed or (less likely) maybe I'm remembering the physical location wrong.

	In any case... C was performing in a school production of "{{l/wp\|The Music Man}}", and J had invited me (I think) to ride to the performance with her (probably her mom was driving). I was "apprehensive" (as J put it) for a number of reasons including shyness about handling the unusual social situation of me going over to her house, feeling very odd about watching any of them performing a role, and also disliking some of the gender-performance and heteronormativity in the story and lyrics. (I remember being especially bothered by the {{l/wp\|Shipoopi}} song, for what I hope are [https://genius.com/Buddy-hackett-shipoopi-lyrics obvious reasons].)		In any case... C was performing in a school production of "{{l/wp\|The Music Man}}", and J had invited me (I think) to ride to the performance with her (probably her mom was driving). I was "apprehensive" (as J put it) for a number of reasons including shyness about handling the unusual social situation of me going over to her house (for the first time, I think?), feeling very odd about watching any of them performing a role, and also disliking some of the gender-performance and heteronormativity in the story and lyrics. (I remember being especially bothered by the {{l/wp\|Shipoopi}} song, for what I hope are [https://genius.com/Buddy-hackett-shipoopi-lyrics obvious reasons].)

	So... I had apparently expressed my apprehension, and J was gently teasing me about it, and gave me a pretend-parental-consoling hug – that is, she was ''performing'' parental condescension, something we all often did as a mutually-understood in-joke. I knew it was basically a joke as it was happening... but at the same time, my feeling of unease was genuine... and by this time I felt I trusted her not to be ''really'' teasing me...		So... I had apparently expressed my apprehension, and J was gently teasing me about it, and gave me a pretend-parental-consoling hug – that is, she was ''performing'' parental condescension, something we all often did as a mutually-understood in-joke. I knew it was basically a joke as it was happening... but at the same time, my feeling of unease was genuine... and by this time I felt I trusted her not to be ''really'' teasing me...
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	And the whole world changed, for both of us. If I hadn't already been irrevocably bonded to her, imprinted upon her, it happened in that moment.		And the whole world changed, for both of us. If I hadn't already been irrevocably bonded to her, imprinted upon her, it happened in that moment.
			==The Aftermath==
			I think J's reaction had maybe a little more of a sexual element than mine, but she describes the intensity I felt pretty well (#26 p5):
			<blockquote>...I can't ignore how <u>good</u> that felt. My body aches for more. I'm afraid to hug you again for fear of not wanting to let go. My God – I don't want to fall in love with you. But-I-need-something...

	I ~~probably have~~ more to ~~say~~ about ~~this~~, ~~but~~ it's ~~not crystallizing at~~ the ~~moment~~.		Did you feel the same thing? Are you as sex-starved as I?</blockquote>
			It's difficult to disentwine the threads of my then-reaction from this distance. I think, though, that I'd already been experiencing sexual feelings towards them – that is, what passes (or, really, ''passed'') for "sexual" in me, which had more to do with wanting to touch certain body parts, which in turn was really more of a dysphoria-palliative than actually sexual. In any case, any "sexual"-ish feelings I might have felt in that embrace were not what was new about it.

			What was new was the feeling of being so completely accepted by someone, the feeling that I could trust her no matter what, that she would never turn against me or deliberately hurt me.

			Just thinking about it now starts me breathing heavily like I'm about to cry. '''I miss that feeling ''so much''.'''

			While I didn't knowingly choose the actions that took it away forever, I surely am the only one responsible for them, and they're why she had to unfriend me. I can't blame it all on things outside my control, because I'm the one who chose how to respond to those things.

			This one event represents, for me, both salvation and eternal damnation. A few moments in paradise, followed by a lifetime of trying to find my way back... to a place that's been utterly eradicated by an atomic blast, the giant crater I now live with.

	[[Category:1981\|Woozle/Jenny/The Hug]]		[[Category:1981\|Woozle/Jenny/The Hug]]

Woozle: fixed autism link for this location

2017-12-12T00:46:09Z

fixed autism link for this location

← Older revision		Revision as of 00:46, 12 December 2017
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	I'm told that when I was a baby, I just wanted to be held. That was the only thing that would calm me down when I was upset, and it would always calm me down.		I'm told that when I was a baby, I just wanted to be held. That was the only thing that would calm me down when I was upset, and it would always calm me down.

	Growing up, though, physical contact (kissing grandma, hugging relatives) was neither consensual nor an expression of genuine caring. My family, though excellent in terms of providing support for the physical needs of their children, were (at best) at something of a loss for dealing with our emotional needs – especially me, with my undiagnosed gender dysphoria, undiagnosed ADHD-PI, documented but ignored memory issues, obvious separation anxiety, and social problems at school (probably due to the dysphoria plus undiagnosed [[Me/autism\|autism]]).		Growing up, though, physical contact (kissing grandma, hugging relatives) was neither consensual nor an expression of genuine caring. My family, though excellent in terms of providing support for the physical needs of their children, were (at best) at something of a loss for dealing with our emotional needs – especially me, with my undiagnosed gender dysphoria, undiagnosed ADHD-PI, documented but ignored memory issues, obvious separation anxiety, and social problems at school (probably due to the dysphoria plus undiagnosed {{l/woozalia\|Me/autism\|autism}}).

	On top of that, I was fed a steady diet of belief that one's career and professional achievements were the entirety of one's worth – and while I was hardly a failure in grade school, I was not excelling; I was repeatedly admonished for not "living up to your potential", with all the implications that had for my worth as a human being and (therefore) my sense of self-worth.		On top of that, I was fed a steady diet of belief that one's career and professional achievements were the entirety of one's worth – and while I was hardly a failure in grade school, I was not excelling; I was repeatedly admonished for not "living up to your potential", with all the implications that had for my worth as a human being and (therefore) my sense of self-worth.

Woozle: /* The Hug */ lyrics link

2017-12-10T22:10:13Z

The Hug: lyrics link

← Older revision		Revision as of 22:10, 10 December 2017
Line 17:		Line 17:
	[[Woozle/Jenny/note/026\|Jenny says]] it was room 2; I remember it as the room labeled 3 on [[CFS/US/layout\|this map]], but maybe I have the numbers reversed or (less likely) maybe I'm remembering the physical location wrong.		[[Woozle/Jenny/note/026\|Jenny says]] it was room 2; I remember it as the room labeled 3 on [[CFS/US/layout\|this map]], but maybe I have the numbers reversed or (less likely) maybe I'm remembering the physical location wrong.

	In any case... C was performing in a school production of "{{l/wp\|The Music Man}}", and J had invited me (I think) to ride to the performance with her (probably her mom was driving). I was "apprehensive" (as J put it) for a number of reasons including shyness about handling the unusual social situation of me going over to her house, feeling very odd about watching any of them performing a role, and also disliking some of the gender-performance and heteronormativity in the story and lyrics. (I remember being especially bothered by the {{l/wp\|Shipoopi}} song, for what I hope are obvious reasons.)		In any case... C was performing in a school production of "{{l/wp\|The Music Man}}", and J had invited me (I think) to ride to the performance with her (probably her mom was driving). I was "apprehensive" (as J put it) for a number of reasons including shyness about handling the unusual social situation of me going over to her house, feeling very odd about watching any of them performing a role, and also disliking some of the gender-performance and heteronormativity in the story and lyrics. (I remember being especially bothered by the {{l/wp\|Shipoopi}} song, for what I hope are [https://genius.com/Buddy-hackett-shipoopi-lyrics obvious reasons].)

	So... I had apparently expressed my apprehension, and J was gently teasing me about it, and gave me a pretend-parental-consoling hug – that is, she was ''performing'' parental condescension, something we all often did as a mutually-understood in-joke. I knew it was basically a joke as it was happening... but at the same time, my feeling of unease was genuine... and by this time I felt I trusted her not to be ''really'' teasing me...		So... I had apparently expressed my apprehension, and J was gently teasing me about it, and gave me a pretend-parental-consoling hug – that is, she was ''performing'' parental condescension, something we all often did as a mutually-understood in-joke. I knew it was basically a joke as it was happening... but at the same time, my feeling of unease was genuine... and by this time I felt I trusted her not to be ''really'' teasing me...
Line 35:		Line 35:

	I probably have more to say about this, but it's not crystallizing at the moment.		I probably have more to say about this, but it's not crystallizing at the moment.

			[[Category:1981\|Woozle/Jenny/The Hug]]
			[[Category:1981/02\|Woozle/Jenny/The Hug]]
			[[Category:1981/02/12\|Woozle/Jenny/The Hug]]
			[[Category:Dates/02/12\|Woozle/Jenny/The Hug]]
			[[Category:Months/02\|Woozle/Jenny/The Hug]]

Woozle at 14:19, 10 December 2017

2017-12-10T14:19:56Z

@@ Line 1: / Line 1: @@
 I'm told that when I was a baby, I just wanted to be held. That was the only thing that would calm me down when I was upset, and it would always calm me down.
@@ Line 5: / Line 7: @@
 On top of that, I was fed a steady diet of belief that one's career and professional achievements were the entirety of one's worth &ndash; and while I was hardly a failure in grade school, I was not excelling; I was repeatedly admonished for not "living up to your potential", with all the implications that had for my worth as a human being and (therefore) my sense of self-worth.
-I became averse to contact &ndash; the one thing that made me feel content and at peace (when offered genuinely and consensually) became something that I avoided and didn't even realize I desperately needed. I was left with a sense of emotional emptiness and a feeling of worthlessness surrounding my lack of ability to do what I was "supposed" to be doing.
+I became averse to contact &ndash; the one thing that made me feel content and at peace (when offered genuinely and consensually) became something that I avoided and didn't even realize I desperately needed. I was left with a sense of emotional emptiness and a feeling of worthlessness surrounding my lack of ability to do what I was "supposed" to be doing. (I'm {{l/woozalia|Emoblog/2017/12/08/not quite borderline|still trying to figure out what's going on with all that}}, but meaningful hugs and meaningful contact are definitely a big part of it.)
 I had no community, no friends I could count on, no emotional support. Just people who sometimes would play with me and people who were related to me...
@@ Line 12: / Line 14: @@
 And then Jenny changed all that, more or less by accident.

Woozle: Woozle moved page Emoblog/2017/12/02/emotional deprivation to Woozle/Jenny/The Hug without leaving a redirect: where it belongs, I think

2017-12-10T12:41:55Z

Woozle moved page Emoblog/2017/12/02/emotional deprivation to Woozle/Jenny/The Hug without leaving a redirect: where it belongs, I think

← Older revision		Revision as of 12:41, 10 December 2017
(No difference)

Woozle: 2 revisions imported: from Woozalia - this seems like it belongs more here, as the lead-in to the Jenny Hug page

2017-12-10T12:41:17Z

2 revisions imported: from Woozalia - this seems like it belongs more here, as the lead-in to the Jenny Hug page

← Older revision		Revision as of 12:41, 10 December 2017
(No difference)

Woozle: Woozle moved page Emoblog/2017/11/30/2/emotional deprivation to Emoblog/2017/12/02/emotional deprivation without leaving a redirect: actual date

2017-12-10T11:17:22Z

Woozle moved page Emoblog/2017/11/30/2/emotional deprivation to Emoblog/2017/12/02/emotional deprivation without leaving a redirect: actual date

← Older revision		Revision as of 11:17, 10 December 2017
(No difference)

Woozle: Created page with "I'm told that when I was a baby, I just wanted to be held. That was the only thing that would calm me down when I was upset, and it would always calm me down. Growing up, tho..."

2017-12-02T01:47:07Z

Created page with "I'm told that when I was a baby, I just wanted to be held. That was the only thing that would calm me down when I was upset, and it would always calm me down. Growing up, tho..."

New page

I'm told that when I was a baby, I just wanted to be held. That was the only thing that would calm me down when I was upset, and it would always calm me down.

Growing up, though, physical contact (kissing grandma, hugging relatives) was neither consensual nor an expression of genuine caring. My family, though excellent in terms of providing support for the physical needs of their children, were (at best) at something of a loss for dealing with our emotional needs – especially me, with my undiagnosed gender dysphoria, undiagnosed ADHD-PI, documented but ignored memory issues, obvious separation anxiety, and social problems at school (probably due to the dysphoria plus undiagnosed [[Me/autism|autism]]).

On top of that, I was fed a steady diet of belief that one's career and professional achievements were the entirety of one's worth – and while I was hardly a failure in grade school, I was not excelling; I was repeatedly admonished for not "living up to your potential", with all the implications that had for my worth as a human being and (therefore) my sense of self-worth.

I became averse to contact – the one thing that made me feel content and at peace (when offered genuinely and consensually) became something that I avoided and didn't even realize I desperately needed. I was left with a sense of emotional emptiness and a feeling of worthlessness surrounding my lack of ability to do what I was "supposed" to be doing.

I had no community, no friends I could count on, no emotional support. Just people who sometimes would play with me and people who were related to me...

...and I thought this was normal, what everyone has to deal with, and what's wrong with me that I feel so unmotivated? Obviously I just need to try harder.

And then Jenny changed all that, more or less by accident.